Today, I was "that mom." You know what I'm talking about... That mom that everyone is whispering under their breaths needs to get her children under control. It wasn't an anything out of the ordinary day. We went to the Y then headed to Walmart. Everything was fine until halfway through the store when Caden starts chanting that he needs to go potty. So, I take him to the family restroom. He does nothing so I grab the kids (as my patience is waining) and take them to the cart.
So begins all out sobbing, tears rolling off cheeks, snot dripping, and shouting that indeed he does need to go potty. At this point we are in the very back of the store. I calmly just push the cart (and Caden who is trying to push the cart back to the bathroom) to the front to check out. He is putting on a real show. I can feel the stairs from people. Questioning my ability to parent. Ever so calmly I put our items on the check out, pay, offer to take Caden to the restroom in the front. Oh no. No, no, no. More sobs. Because he can't use THAT restroom. He wants to go all the way to the back of the store to the family restroom. The Caden melt down show continued to escalate and lasted a good twenty minutes. Somehow, I managed to get the kids to the car & home. All I could think, as the tension in my shoulders began to mount is... I am so sorry people. I am sorry to every mom I ever judged or questioned when your kids were having meltdowns. Sorry for disrupting your peaceful shopping. I had no idea my kid would have a major melt down today because of a potty. But please don't judge. I feel your glares and questions about who is on control. And maybe, somehow I had lost control today. All I know is a momma, no matter how well equipped, cannot anticipate such meltdowns. They come when least expected. I'm just really thankful for grace today to make it through the meltdown moment without having a meltdown of my own. In case you were wondering, he did make it home and to the bathroom...& the sobs eventually did cease.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
learning to trust again...
lets be honest.
trusting is not easy.
people betray.
people hurt.
but that's people.
that's you.
that's me.
if not for Jesus.
we would all be a hot mess.
turned inward.
broken.
lonely.
discouraged.
distraught.
but why?
because we can't move past our own insecurities?
our fears?
our failures?
we miss out on relationship.
life giving relationship.
sharpening relationship.
we must be willing to risk again.
open our hearts.
we will get hurt again.
that's life.
that's ok.
pick up.
heal.
restore.
love as Christ loves.
be filled.
trusting is not easy.
people betray.
people hurt.
but that's people.
that's you.
that's me.
if not for Jesus.
we would all be a hot mess.
turned inward.
broken.
lonely.
discouraged.
distraught.
but why?
because we can't move past our own insecurities?
our fears?
our failures?
we miss out on relationship.
life giving relationship.
sharpening relationship.
we must be willing to risk again.
open our hearts.
we will get hurt again.
that's life.
that's ok.
pick up.
heal.
restore.
love as Christ loves.
be filled.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Misunderstood
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm often misunderstood.
From an early age, I was taught to wear a smile even if I was crushed on the inside.
I try to be real.
In my realness, I am flawed.
Broken.
The war within me is real.
I'm torn.
Tired.
Weary.
I'm not in some big crisis.
No.
It's just the every day mundane.
Mom.
Wife.
Friend.
Daughter.
Feeling like I'm failing in every area.
Disappointed.
Discouraged.
Trying not to look back at past glories.
But wondering what happened to that vibrant 20 something.
Who could survive on minimal sleep & was always up for a new God adventure.
I'm just not who I once was.
I'm sure that's to be true for most of us.
We change.
Time changes us.
Being pressed changes us.
Trials.
Circumstances.
Life.
These things change us. Form us.
Challenge us at our very core.
Learning to be true to who I am today.
And who I am becoming tomorrow.
Because the truth is... I'm not a young twenty something anymore.
Time has done it's job in changing that.
And that's ok.
Even still...
In whatever state I am in...
I am loved.
Dearly loved.
By my Creator.
By Father.
And I rest in that truth.
That no matter how misunderstood I am...
Or I feel...
He knows me at my very core.
He understands.
He cares.
He is with me.
Always.
I'm often misunderstood.
From an early age, I was taught to wear a smile even if I was crushed on the inside.
I try to be real.
In my realness, I am flawed.
Broken.
The war within me is real.
I'm torn.
Tired.
Weary.
I'm not in some big crisis.
No.
It's just the every day mundane.
Mom.
Wife.
Friend.
Daughter.
Feeling like I'm failing in every area.
Disappointed.
Discouraged.
Trying not to look back at past glories.
But wondering what happened to that vibrant 20 something.
Who could survive on minimal sleep & was always up for a new God adventure.
I'm just not who I once was.
I'm sure that's to be true for most of us.
We change.
Time changes us.
Being pressed changes us.
Trials.
Circumstances.
Life.
These things change us. Form us.
Challenge us at our very core.
Learning to be true to who I am today.
And who I am becoming tomorrow.
Because the truth is... I'm not a young twenty something anymore.
Time has done it's job in changing that.
And that's ok.
Even still...
In whatever state I am in...
I am loved.
Dearly loved.
By my Creator.
By Father.
And I rest in that truth.
That no matter how misunderstood I am...
Or I feel...
He knows me at my very core.
He understands.
He cares.
He is with me.
Always.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Pretty Packages
Have you ever received a gift that was extravagantly wrapped?
Elegant.
Perfect bow.
And it made your heart skip a beat with anticipation as to what could possibly be inside such a gorgeously wrapped gift?
Then... You open it...
Total disappointment.
Come on... You know what I'm talking about... We've all gotten "those gifts" that are maybe less than stellar & their packaging is deceiving... Leading us to believe there truly is something wonderful inside...
{Enter You. Enter Me}
And that's us sometimes. Isn't it? You. Me.
We think we've fooled the eye of the beholder.
All glammed up on the outside.
A royal mess on the inside.
Afraid to be transparent & allow the inner workings of our lives to be exposed.
For fear of judgment, maybe.
For fear of rejection, perhaps.
For fear of pride being bruised, possibly.
Sundays can be the worst. Can't they?
All morning long is a battle within...And perhaps without... You struggle to even make it out the door & get there on time... But, no fear, you've got your "Sunday best" on & even glossed your lips...Ready to walk in with a smile, say your "God bless you's", hear the message, make some small talk... & be on your way...
Pretty package on the outside.
Royal mess on the inside.
What's so wrong with being vulnerable in church of all places? And letting our guards down? And just... being...
Being who we are.
Unashamed.
Unafraid.
Judging less.
Loving more.
I'm grateful...That my Father is the best at taking messy, broken lives... And making them whole again.
He's done it for me. Over & over again.
That wholeness... That healing... That restoration... That comes through intimacy & rightness with the Father...
That is what ultimately takes what is seemingly "less than stellar on the inside" & makes it extravagant. Beauty radiating from the inside out.
Pretty Packages.
Being made over.
It's what's on the inside that matters most.
Elegant.
Perfect bow.
And it made your heart skip a beat with anticipation as to what could possibly be inside such a gorgeously wrapped gift?
Then... You open it...
Total disappointment.
Come on... You know what I'm talking about... We've all gotten "those gifts" that are maybe less than stellar & their packaging is deceiving... Leading us to believe there truly is something wonderful inside...
{Enter You. Enter Me}
And that's us sometimes. Isn't it? You. Me.
We think we've fooled the eye of the beholder.
All glammed up on the outside.
A royal mess on the inside.
Afraid to be transparent & allow the inner workings of our lives to be exposed.
For fear of judgment, maybe.
For fear of rejection, perhaps.
For fear of pride being bruised, possibly.
Sundays can be the worst. Can't they?
All morning long is a battle within...And perhaps without... You struggle to even make it out the door & get there on time... But, no fear, you've got your "Sunday best" on & even glossed your lips...Ready to walk in with a smile, say your "God bless you's", hear the message, make some small talk... & be on your way...
Pretty package on the outside.
Royal mess on the inside.
What's so wrong with being vulnerable in church of all places? And letting our guards down? And just... being...
Being who we are.
Unashamed.
Unafraid.
Judging less.
Loving more.
I'm grateful...That my Father is the best at taking messy, broken lives... And making them whole again.
He's done it for me. Over & over again.
That wholeness... That healing... That restoration... That comes through intimacy & rightness with the Father...
That is what ultimately takes what is seemingly "less than stellar on the inside" & makes it extravagant. Beauty radiating from the inside out.
Pretty Packages.
Being made over.
It's what's on the inside that matters most.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Crisis
It is inevitable.
There will be a day...
When you find yourself in what feels like an unbearable crisis...
Job loss.
Death of a loved one.
Grief.
Marital strife.
Divorce.
Untreatable disease.
Betrayal.
Infertility.
Heart break.
Addiction.
The list has no end.
There are days when I personally feel like I'm in a crisis & won't make it through the day because I was up all night with a sick baby... As the days pass, and health is restored, I laugh at myself & how pressed down I get in these moments. Worn out, yes. Exhausted, yes. But in a crisis? No. Undoubtedly chronic fatigue could lead to crisis...but that's not what I'm talking about...
And I'm reminded that my daily testing & trials are just that... Testing. Trials.
There are not a crisis. It's just every day life stuff.
However, if we are not remaining in Christ, they just very well may feel like crisis as our "smallness" cannot comprehend the "greatness" of what God is intending to do in our lives daily.
John 15:4
Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.
Not often enough do I lean on the strength of the arm of the Lord & allow Him to encourage me as only He can & work through my feebleness.
However...
We will have trouble. Crisis.
John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
But even in the midst of what seems like crushing crisis, Jesus Christ, the One who is peace, will give you peace that surpasses ALL understanding. He will see you through. He will be with you. Always.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
There will be a day...
When you find yourself in what feels like an unbearable crisis...
Job loss.
Death of a loved one.
Grief.
Marital strife.
Divorce.
Untreatable disease.
Betrayal.
Infertility.
Heart break.
Addiction.
The list has no end.
There are days when I personally feel like I'm in a crisis & won't make it through the day because I was up all night with a sick baby... As the days pass, and health is restored, I laugh at myself & how pressed down I get in these moments. Worn out, yes. Exhausted, yes. But in a crisis? No. Undoubtedly chronic fatigue could lead to crisis...but that's not what I'm talking about...
And I'm reminded that my daily testing & trials are just that... Testing. Trials.
There are not a crisis. It's just every day life stuff.
However, if we are not remaining in Christ, they just very well may feel like crisis as our "smallness" cannot comprehend the "greatness" of what God is intending to do in our lives daily.
John 15:4
Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.
Not often enough do I lean on the strength of the arm of the Lord & allow Him to encourage me as only He can & work through my feebleness.
However...
We will have trouble. Crisis.
John 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
But even in the midst of what seems like crushing crisis, Jesus Christ, the One who is peace, will give you peace that surpasses ALL understanding. He will see you through. He will be with you. Always.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 28:20
...Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Trials. Temptations. Testing.
Crisis.
Wherever you find yourself today, you are not alone.
I believe with my WHOLE heart that truly, truly, truly...Nothing is too difficult with God. He will be found faithful.
Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.
...Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Trials. Temptations. Testing.
Crisis.
Wherever you find yourself today, you are not alone.
I believe with my WHOLE heart that truly, truly, truly...Nothing is too difficult with God. He will be found faithful.
Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.
Monday, January 6, 2014
snow days
It's a snowy cold day here in Indiana.
What is it about not being able to leave the house that makes you want to leave the house so badly?
On any given day, I'd probably embrace the opportunity to stay home & not have to run errands toting two little ones.
But today, I just want to go to the gym or Starbucks or the grocery... Somewhere.
Alas, it's in the negative digits & my car doesn't like the cold or icy snowy roads.
Maybe its because being stuck at home makes me take a look at all the mess that needs tackled.
Oh, I've started... A bag of trash at my feet from my desk & a trash bag of clothes across the room for goodwill...
Maybe it's because at 11am...I couldn't believe it was ONLY 11am because I had already pulled out a majority of my mommy tricks to keep the kids happily entertained. Come on nap time!
And so it is... nap time... The house is quiet... Smells of red lentil & kale soup wafting through the house... Comfy thick socks on & still in my pjs... Thank you notes from Christmas finally written, bills paid... And nearly time for that afternoon cup of joe.
Just another day...
Just another day...
It is what it is.
I pray wherever life finds you today...that you pause, if only for a moment, and take in the goodness & beauty of the Lord that surrounds you.
What is it about not being able to leave the house that makes you want to leave the house so badly?
On any given day, I'd probably embrace the opportunity to stay home & not have to run errands toting two little ones.
But today, I just want to go to the gym or Starbucks or the grocery... Somewhere.
Alas, it's in the negative digits & my car doesn't like the cold or icy snowy roads.
Maybe its because being stuck at home makes me take a look at all the mess that needs tackled.
Oh, I've started... A bag of trash at my feet from my desk & a trash bag of clothes across the room for goodwill...
Maybe it's because at 11am...I couldn't believe it was ONLY 11am because I had already pulled out a majority of my mommy tricks to keep the kids happily entertained. Come on nap time!
And so it is... nap time... The house is quiet... Smells of red lentil & kale soup wafting through the house... Comfy thick socks on & still in my pjs... Thank you notes from Christmas finally written, bills paid... And nearly time for that afternoon cup of joe.
Just another day...
Just another day...
It is what it is.
I pray wherever life finds you today...that you pause, if only for a moment, and take in the goodness & beauty of the Lord that surrounds you.
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