expectation

Christmas. Just two days away. Kind of hard to believe. I'm 39 weeks pregnant this week & really anticipate we'll be having this baby girl any day now. We've purposefully made little plans with family & friends as we are just waiting for our little miss to arrive.

Even though I'm very aware that there is a little person growing inside of me, it still feels very surreal that in a matter of days we will go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I really cannot even begin to wrap my mind around it so, to be honest, I've stopped trying.

The last few days, Christmas...the true meaning of Christmas...having this baby....and all that it entails...have consumed my mind.

I can't help but think of Mary and the conditions she faced in giving birth to Jesus. Even so, from the very announcement that she was "with child" her response was "so be it unto me." There is A LOT behind that phrase & yet, she embraced it & lived it with such dignity & grace. What a woman!

I pray this Christmas season finds us all more aware of the divine simplicity of our Savior's birth & that in the midst of "it all" we will once again find ourselves in awe of this little One born in a stable, laid in a manger, sent to earth to die so that we might live. Such sacrifice.

Let us not belittle the role of Mary as she was deemed worth of carrying the promise of God... & learn from her example so that we might too become such containers of the glory of God... That who He is... would truly shine through all that we are & all that we do.

Merry Christmas.

"Stay at home" mom

Today has been a difficult, long day. My husband has been at work all day and is currently still at work. He also is working all day tomorrow. I'm very grateful for a husband that works so diligently to provide for our family. However, days like today, with a teething, feverish, 14 month old...no contact with any adults & only conversations that contained minimal words with Caden...I'm wiped. I often think to myself, "how do stay at home moms do this all of the time?"

I'm not going to lie... This was never a dream or a plan. I know many women wouldn't trade being stay at home moms for anything. I also know there are mommas that have to work and so wish they were able to stay home with there babies. I'm sure everyone has a story.

So, here I am. It just so happens that two years ago I was let go of a job that I was ready to build my life on, give my life to, and raise a family while doing it. It's hard to imagine now, with Caden and another baby on the way, living that life...but it was my passion. I know we would have managed. I always thought it was cool when my director's kids were like the the MC kids and we raised in such a stellar atmosphere.

My own mom was a stay at home mom for much of my growing up years and I can't imagine not having her home when we all got home from school. She was the best. It seemed there was always something yummy coming out of the oven for an after school snack as soon as we walked through the door. With my dad being a bi-vocational pastor, honestly, my mom did a majority of the parenting. I know if it weren't for her dedication to us kids, I definitely wouldn't be who I am today.

I never imagined being a "stay at home" mom would be so difficult. I guess how would one know until you're living it?!?

But let me assure you, it is not a walk in the park. This is by far the hardest thing I've done in my life. And for all of the moms who embrace this calling every day, I say "kudos" to you.

It's hard to imagine that I'll always be a stay at home mom. I have dreams and vision beyond staying home and raising our children. In the mean time, I'm allowing the Lord to correct my mentalities of the "lowliness" of being a stay at home mom and wife and that somehow I'm not doing enough and should be doing more. I'm certain this is exactly where God wants me right now. I don't understand it all and feel like I probably never will. None the less, here's to humbling myself and continuing to serve in such a selfless, humbling manner.

So to all the moms out there...and moms-to-be... kudos to you in whatever role you find yourself... your strength and endurance amaze me!

Weeds

This summer most of Indiana has been under a severe drought. The losses have been much greater than the gains for farmers.

Our yard, as small as it is, has virtually no grass left after our minuscule amounts of rain.

I have marveled at the amounts of weeds that have successfully grown in the extreme drought conditions. I've watched them shoot up over and over again...seemingly out of no where.

We have sprayed weed killer, cut them down...alas, they keep coming back.

Today, I decided enough is enough. Dreading the task that was before me... I headed outside to pull the weeds up at the root. I had imagined a lot of huffing and puffing...

Surprisingly, for most of the weeds, that wasn't the case. I just got down right at the base of each weed and gave it a good yank....out it came...roots and all...

Goodbye, 5 foot tall weeds!

...And isn't that just the way it is with our lives...

The things we "temporary fix" keep coming back...sometimes stronger than before... We dread actually dealing with the situation at the root... But when it comes down to it, once we do... It isn't as awful as we allowed our vain imaginations to make it.

Eviction Notice

Living in the land of owning a rental property presents many interesting, notable moments...especially since our rental property also happens to be the home in which we live...having two apartments that we lease.

Recently, we had to serve an eviction notice to our upstairs tenant...not without MANY gracious warnings leading up to this point as he was continually breaking the lease agreement in one way or another.

All day long, as I've dealt with 3 situations just today involving the tenant, I've been thinking about the process of an eviction notice...

You see...  When Andrew & I come to the place of serving an eviction to someone it takes a lot to get us to that point... grace extended....grace extended....grace extended...boom... NO MORE GRACE.

Once the notice has finally been served, however, we've been pushed to our limits. Enough is enough! We won't take it anymore.

...So, then I begin to think, "man, isn't this just the way we are with sin...addictions...temptations...complacency...apathy"

We live with it. Accept it. Tolerate it. Convince ourselves it's really not a "big" deal...we can handle it...

We treat the grace of God like it is cheap... And somehow forget that while He is gracious... He is also just, full of mercy, & jealous for our affection.

 Then one day we come to the place that we're just sick of the deceit, the lies, the hidden life... And we decide it's time to serve the devil & the strongholds he has on our lives an eviction notice.

But here's the thing... An eviction notice isn't instant. There is a process involved. Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that God can't deliver you in a moment... It's just that though He may and is very able to do so, there is still a process in dealing with the consequences of the life that you chose to live, the decisions that you made....

All the while, God is working....healing....recreating....restoring... He is faithful like that. Even through the messiness of an eviction notice... He is there. Making a way when there seems to be no way.

...So, here we are...a few more days left with the "non-stop fun" of tenant 3. I can't help but pray, "Dear Jesus, Give us wisdom & discernment with whomever will next rent from us. Let it be a person who can live at peace with others & will not have to be served an eviction notice."

Let it be so. That once the enemy of your soul has been served notice...that you let it stand & don't ever look back, go back, or return to that old, stinking, rottting life style. Live in the freedom that is yours as a child of the King.

Hunger

How often throughout the day does your hunger drive you to stop everything you are doing & grab something to eat? Or how about those moments that you are so ravenously hungry that you can't even concentrate on what you're supposed to be doing or the conversation you are having because you think your stomach is going to start eating itself any moment?!?

What if our hunger for God was that way? What if our hunger for the Word was that way? What if our hunger to worship God in spirit & in truth was that way? What if our hunger to reach the lost was that way?

...It would change everything.
A generation.
Our todays.
Our tomorrows.
Our relationships.
The Church.
Society.
The World.

I don't know... I just don't think we are hungry enough.

Maybe we allow other things to "choke out" our appetite for the One who really matters.
Maybe we've cheated ourselves with the "processed" for so long that we don't desire the "Real" anymore.

All I know is.... I've seen the face of true hunger... I've heard the SOUND of real hunger.... It hasn't been for some time...

True hunger will drive you to do things you otherwise would not do....

So "what if" we were truly hungry?

I don't know....

I just think it would change everything.

And Love Grew...

It seems so long ago now that I was thrust into a place that almost felt like a prison. Not that I know what prison feels like but I have an idea through conversations with my brother. (That is a whole other story.) It was a time in my life where it felt like everything was a go, moving full speed ahead, & definitely in the divine will of God. And then, a "suddenly moment" happened, the light turned red, it felt like everything came to a dead stop, & the light was definitely not turning green again.

My spirit was conflicted. My heart was a broken, tangled mess. My mind was a war zone. My emotions were a hurricane category 5.

I felt... Alone. Betrayed. Mistaken. Misunderstood. Forgotten. Unworthy. Unloved. Unusuable. A broken cistern unable to hold water.

I was... Afraid. Uncertain.

And perhaps it was Providence itself, the Divine One, who brought me to a place where "all of me" was laid at His feet...time and time again...Waiting....Trusting...Hoping....Believing...

I don't know when it happened. I suppose it has been a slow going process...as with most things...when it comes to the divine nature of God being revealed in us...But somewhere along the way love grew...love grew for this place that I now find myself. I honestly wouldn't have chosen it on my own, but that is what I love about my Father...He always knows best.

Wherever you are, let love grow. You might just be surprised when you begin to acknowledge God in a greater way in the process of your life...how love begins to grow in the places that you find yourself... Because you've stopped trying to figure it out on your own & you've embraced God in your journey...Leaning on Him, Trusting in Him...

Picture Perfect

Recently, I had a "friend" unfriend me on facebook. No big deal, really. This isn't junior high anymore. Usually, to be honest, I wouldn't even notice if you unfriend me on facebook...Believe it or not, I don't sit all day watching the amount of friends I have on facebook decrees or increase. The only reason I knew I was being "unfriended" was because this particular individual felt it was necessary to message me and explain their reasoning of why they were "unfriending" me. Which leads me to the following thought... If you are constantly living in a land of comparison and envy...you're missing the point of living. Keeping up with the "Jones" is a far fetched, unrealistic mindset. While you may look at other people and their families and think that they have it all together... I want to remind you, in love, that there is no such thing as "picture perfect." We live in a messy, messy world....Why? Because we have messy, messy lives. Every day, we are faced with new "messes"....The real difference is those people who whallow in the mess or realize that without Christ we are all just jacked up people. I don't know about you, but I am grateful for a  Savior who is in the business of cleaning up messes when we turn to Him, in humility, and confess our need for Him. We are truly an imperfect people who have been offered a realtionship with the Divine....Perfect God... Here's to not striving for "perfection" as the world demands it, but striving for the One who is perfect & is daily guiding our messy lives....

Remove Temptation

Being a new mom has taught me so much already. As of late, Caden has become a very active little guy crawling, cruising, climbing, and getting into anything that he can. When he heads for something he shouldn't, Andrew and I try to redirect him to something he can have such as a toy or a snack. However, wouldn't you know it...He just can't get his mind off of what he is not allowed to have & usually attempts to keep going back to it. For instance, the toilet. He is obsessed with the toilet & toilet paper. Just the other day, I had him in our laundry/guest bathroom with me while I was changing laundry over to the dryer. I had my back turned for maybe 30 seconds, I turn to check on him and he had unrolled like half a roll of toilet paper. I must admit, I did laugh because he looked so funny & was so entralled by the toilet paper. We've learned already there are some things we just have to REMOVE out of his site & ability to engage in. We now always keep the bathroom doors closed, have turned our dvd rack to face the wall so he cannot pull them off the shelf, & put a childproof lock on the bathroom cabinet where the cleaners are kept.

And sometimes, this extreme action is what is required for us if we are to truly be free in Christ as He has called us to be free. Remove the temptation. Don't even allow it in your home, in your heart, in your family, in your relationship with your spouse....

Removing the temptation doesn't mean we won't be tempted. In this life, it is a guarantee we will be tempted....some days more than others... However, removing the temptation, is telling the enemy where to to stick it & that he isn't going to win the battle for your soul that day.

Here's to living a life of freedom in Christ!

Grace for today... Hope for tomorrow...

It's been some time since my last post. I miss having the time to just sit down & put my thoughts on "paper." I'm grateful for my husband tonight...keeping the little guy so I can have some "alone" time. So here I am... On a journey of total health... Mind, Soul, Spirit, Body. I've been amazed on this journey truly learning how they all really do work together...& when one area is "under construction" the other areas are challenged.

To me, health=wholeness. So, every day is another opportunity to not just live "partially", but to live in the wholeness that is mine through Jesus work in & through me. Some thing in me finally "gets it" in a way that I never have. I'm currently on a journey of weight loss...not so much for the joy of fitting into a smaller size & being "beach ready" (while that is nice & is definately a motive), rather because I came to the place where I realized & accepted that my "size" was not glorifying God & has hindered me from fully doing the work that He has called me to do.

It has been hard work to say the least. Working out 5-6 times a week is totally kicking my butt. I'm looking forward to when I kick the workout's butt. I just realized in Zumba this morning that I can actually get through a whole class without feeling like I'm going to die afterwards.

I'm thankful for grace because some days, I don't stick to the plan or I allow my emotions to rule over me for too long...& the Holy Spirit brings correction... I am so thankful for the work of the Holy Spirit in me...

Generally, I come from a "large" or "thick" family... & though I've never said it or thought I believed it...one lie that I've dispelled is that this is just my dna to be this size. It is no longer an excuse or line of thinking. And while shedding the lbs in my thirties hasn't shown me the mercy it once did in my twenties... I know it will happen through hard work, grace, & the encouragement that comes from others that are a similiar journey. Accountability is such a beautiful thing.

What's an area in your life that is being challenged & transformed?

every day ordinary

"Every day ordinary"... I've had this phrase €€€€€and surrounding thoughts in my mind all day...every day...the last few days. Let me explain... Andrew and I have put our house up for sale. It has been on the market all of two weeks and today we had our first showing. It is a 120+ year old investment property with three apartments. We currently live in the very large two bedroom apartment. Now...rewind...a little back story for you... Andrew bought this property well before 1. we were married 2. we were even an "us." He bought it in the day that he thought he wouldn't ever be married and was living in the small one bedroom apartment..."bachin'" it up. Through a series of well...a lot of changes...some controlled...some out of our control... just 8 months into our marriage we decided it was best to move into the house... as the two bedroom apartment had become vacant. When we first came into the apartment... I could not believe this was where we were 1. going to live 2. going to raise our baby who was due to be born in June. I saw every imperfection, every thing that needed fixed, every thing that I disliked and I was not happy. I picked it apart room by room...light fixture by light fixture...and so on. At the beginning, I'd ask Andrew constantly, "Can we please replace this? or Can you please fix this?" ...Somewhere along the way (perhaps it was just time or having a baby...or a combination) all of those "things" didn't bother me as much. They weren't the "eye sores" that they once were. Just a part of my every day ordinary life. Until recently...as we've put the house on the market...suddenly I am once again very aware of every imperfection, every thing that needs to be fixed, and every detail that needs changed. I'm reminded that this is often how life is...both in the natural €and the spiritual. There are moments in life when we are bogged down with the weight of our "every day ordinary"...obsessed with it really...then Father time comes along...and perspective begins to change... or in the spiritual...we've been challenged to deal with "x"...we work away...pray away...etc. and it may feel like it will never be over...that there will never be freedom or victory...or peace... and then Father God comes along...reassures us...and we continue on with our "every day ordinary" lives better than we were before because we aren't consumed with all the "stuff" and are learning that in the end most of it doesn't matter anyway. Philippians 4:11 "...For I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content..."