It's a Plan

If anyone knows me at all...You know that I ALWAYS have a plan. I may ask you, "what do you want to do?" While all along I have a PLAN just in case your response is "I don't know...What do you want to do?"

It's been six months now since I went from being in full time ministry working with junior high, senior high, young adults, and directing Master's Commission. It's also been six months now since I've been married to my dearest friend.

I've learned a lot about myself the past six months. To be honest, some things I'd rather not have learned. Ignorance is bliss, right?

I went from living a life of "full speed ahead" to "hit the breaks and coast." And all such a "suddenly" of life that there are still days that I wake up and remember that life is no longer what it once was and there is no going back.

Again, if you know me, you know that I tend to function best when the "pressure" is on. When there is much strategy, planning, dreaming that is required to make "it" work. I love multi-tasking. I love pulling a team together and dreaming with them...planning with them...journeying with them.

I suppose women may deal with the "need" for a plan more than men do. At least that is how it works in our house. Andrew is a just "go with the flow...whatever happens happens" kind of guy. I, on the other hand, find at times I have an anxious heart when it FEELS like there is no plan and we are moving no where and doing little for the Kingdom.

So many times I've found myself in a puddle of tears the past six months because of all the uncertainties of life...wondering if God has forgotten...Knowing that He hasn't...But all the while dealing with the fierce emotion & anxiety that tries to rear it's ugly head every time I settle it in my heart and spirit to live at peace and "Be Still & Know" in this season.

Last night was one of those nights...Andrew was away at men's bible study and I had been home all day...alone. (Again, if you know me, I'm used to being surrounded by people...most days...all day... Even growing up...So this season feels so very awkward to me.) I lay in bed, racked with emotion...hot tears flowing down my face...As I ask the Lord, once again, "Have You forgotten me? Why are we here? What is the purpose? What's the plan?"

I lay...waiting...silence...hot tears streaming down my face...

Morning has come...Silence still lingers...But the Peace of God that surpasses all understanding is present. I don't understand. I don't know why. And that's ok.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's the Lord"s purpose that prevails." Pv. 19:21