Bone Weary Tired

I'm not sure I fully understood the phrase, "bone weary tired" until becoming a mom.


But today, that's me.


Bone. Weary. Tired.


To my very core.


Why? What causes such weariness?


Our kids. Our precious gifts. Life. The loss of life.


There are hard days. I'm sure even harder days to come.


Right now, it feels like we are in the trenches.


Nothing supremely out of the ordinary I suppose for us.


It's a battle we've been in for over a year now.


Countless tears & even more prayers.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28


I cling tightly to this verse & have found it to be proven through & through. I'm so thankful that God's word is real & a firm foundation to plant my feet.


This week has been heart breaking. Watching our Hope struggle again. Trips to doctors. Awaiting tests results. More medicine to try.


But I've felt the prayers of the saints. Those who are believing with us that Hope will be healed. In the moments when my faith wanes & I begin to doubt, I get a text or a call or someone stopping by to pray & encourage us.


And I breathe. A sigh. His peace & comfort renewing. Bringing hope. Restoring again.


The nights. They are long.
But the coffee is strong.
And God is stronger.
I'm thankful.


So, momma, you're bone weary tired...Sister...Friend... Let Him give you rest. Reach out. Let the prayers & hopes of others help carry you through this time. You don't have to be strong or have all the right answers. Be real. You don't have to wear a mask. Just rest in His unfailing promise & word & brew that 3rd or 4th or 5th cup of coffee. I won't judge.

faithfulness

faithfulness.
what a word.
full of indescribable emotion.


Wikipedia gives this definition: Faithfulness is the concept of unfailingly remaining loyal to someone or something and putting that loyalty into consistent practice, regardless of extenuating circumstances.


unfailingly remaining loyal...
putting that loyalty into consistent practice...
regardless...


This morning during worship service at church, I was feeling pressed to my very core about the portrait of my faithfulness to the Lord. Not that we have to "prove" anything to Him but as His bride...His beloved... What does my faithfulness to Him look like?


My loyalty to the Lord in every season...Every trial...Every tragedy...Every triumph.... Does my life reflect that of a faithful bride? Does it continually point people back to Him? Or are there other "lovers"...Other things that deter my loyalty to Christ?


Do my "extenuating circumstances" cause my faithfulness to Christ to grow? Or do I allow them to pull me away & question His goodness?


He is faithful.
Always.
Every situation.
He never leaves.
He never forsakes.
He is not swayed by emotion.
He is.
The Rock I'm standing on.
The Hope I'm hanging on.
The Truth I'm living on.


Every season.
Let it be said of me...


She remained faithful.
She spoke highly of her King.
Her faith did not waiver.
Her trust in who He was did not falter.


Through it all...
She remained faithful.

shifting sand

shifting sand
ever changing world
ever changing you
ever changing me


the only certainty
Him
Christ
the One who came
because of you
because of me


to bind up our brokenness
heal every wound
rebuild the ruins


on Him
a sure foundation
solid rock


not deterred by shifting sand
or the change of the wind


He is
completeness
making me
making you
into His likeness


unworthy ones
made worthy
because of who He is




let the sand shift
I have found the One
on whom to build my life
though shaken
I will not fail
my eyes are fixed
on Him

"That mom"

Today, I was "that mom." You know what I'm talking about... That mom that everyone is whispering under their breaths needs to get her children under control. It wasn't an anything out of the ordinary day. We went to the Y then headed to Walmart. Everything was fine until halfway through the store when Caden starts chanting that he needs to go potty. So, I take him to the family restroom. He does nothing so I grab the kids (as my patience is waining) and take them to the cart.
So begins all out sobbing, tears rolling off cheeks, snot dripping, and shouting that indeed he does need to go potty. At this point we are in the very back of the store. I calmly just push the cart (and Caden who is trying to push the cart back to the bathroom) to the front to check out. He is putting on a real show. I can feel the stairs from people. Questioning my ability to parent. Ever so calmly I put our items on the check out, pay, offer to take Caden to the restroom in the front. Oh no. No, no, no. More sobs. Because he can't use THAT restroom. He wants to go all the way to the back of the store to the family restroom. The Caden melt down show continued to escalate and lasted a good twenty minutes. Somehow, I managed to get the kids to the car & home. All I could think, as the tension in my shoulders began to mount is... I am so sorry people. I am sorry to every mom I ever judged or questioned when your kids were having meltdowns.  Sorry for disrupting your peaceful shopping. I had no idea my kid would have a major melt down today because of a potty. But please don't judge. I feel your glares and questions about who is on control. And maybe, somehow I had lost control today. All I know is a momma, no matter how well equipped, cannot anticipate such meltdowns. They come when least expected. I'm just really thankful for grace today to make it through the meltdown moment without having a meltdown of my own. In case you were wondering, he did make it home and to the bathroom...& the sobs eventually did cease.

learning to trust again...

lets be honest.
trusting is not easy.
people betray.
people hurt.
but that's people.
that's you.
that's me.
if not for Jesus.
we would all be a hot mess.
turned inward.
broken.
lonely.
discouraged.
distraught.


but why?
because we can't move past our own insecurities?
our fears?
our failures?


we miss out on relationship.
life giving relationship.
sharpening relationship.


we must be willing to risk again.
open our hearts.


we will get hurt again.
that's life.
that's ok.


pick up.
heal.
restore.
love as Christ loves.
be filled.

Misunderstood

I'm not who you think I am.
I'm often misunderstood.
From an early age, I was taught to wear a smile even if I was crushed on the inside.


I try to be real.
In my realness, I am flawed.
Broken.


The war within me is real.
I'm torn.
Tired.
Weary.


I'm not in some big crisis.
No.
It's just the every day mundane.
Mom.
Wife.
Friend.
Daughter.


Feeling like I'm failing in every area.
Disappointed.
Discouraged.


Trying not to look back at past glories.
But wondering what happened to that vibrant 20 something.
Who could survive on minimal sleep & was always up for a new God adventure.


I'm just not who I once was.
I'm sure that's to be true for most of us.
We change.
Time changes us.
Being pressed changes us.
Trials.
Circumstances.
Life.
These things change us. Form us.
Challenge us at our very core.


Learning to be true to who I am today.
And who I am becoming tomorrow.
Because the truth is... I'm not a young twenty something anymore.
Time has done it's job in changing that.
And that's ok.


Even still...
In whatever state I am in...
I am loved.
Dearly loved.
By my Creator.
By Father.


And I rest in that truth.
That no matter how misunderstood I am...
Or I feel...
He knows me at my very core.
He understands.
He cares.


He is with me.
Always.

Pretty Packages

Have you ever received a gift that was extravagantly wrapped?


Elegant.
Perfect bow.


And it made your heart skip a beat with anticipation as to what could possibly be inside such a gorgeously wrapped gift?


Then... You open it...


Total disappointment.


Come on... You know what I'm talking about... We've all gotten "those gifts" that are maybe less than stellar & their packaging is deceiving... Leading us to believe there truly is something wonderful inside...




{Enter You. Enter Me}


And that's us sometimes. Isn't it? You. Me.


We think we've fooled the eye of the beholder.
All glammed up on the outside.
A royal mess on the inside.
Afraid to be transparent & allow the inner workings of our lives to be exposed.
For fear of judgment, maybe.
For fear of rejection, perhaps.
For fear of pride being bruised, possibly.


Sundays can be the worst. Can't they?


All morning long is a battle within...And perhaps without... You struggle to even make it out the door & get there on time... But, no fear, you've got your "Sunday best" on & even glossed your lips...Ready to walk in with a smile, say your "God bless you's", hear the message, make some small talk... & be on your way...


Pretty package on  the outside.
Royal mess on the inside.


What's so wrong with being vulnerable in church of all places? And letting our guards down? And just... being...


Being who we are.
Unashamed.
Unafraid.


Judging less.
Loving more.


I'm grateful...That my Father is the best at taking messy, broken lives... And making them whole again.


He's done it for me. Over & over again.


That wholeness... That healing... That restoration... That comes through intimacy & rightness with the Father...


That is what ultimately takes what is seemingly "less than stellar on the inside" & makes it extravagant. Beauty radiating from the inside out.


Pretty Packages.
Being made over.
It's what's on the inside that matters most.